Brutal Read online

  Daddy handed them a backpack and they gave Daddy a package. Then one of the scary guys got in Daddy’s face and yelled. Conner didn’t want to watch so he went to the monkey bars.

  When he was climbing the ladder, something really weird happened. His head felt funny, like when he ate too much cotton candy. He reached for the first bar, but missed it. He was dizzy. He squeezed his eyes closed tight.

  When he opened them again, he looked around for Daddy. He was sitting on one of the benches talking to a lady with a baby. He waved at Conner.

  Time to go. Maybe Mommy would be awake when they got home.

  Today was the day. Raina had patiently waited for years, searching high and low to find her Save. Stupid Si hadn’t been forthcoming about his location, but Raina couldn’t complain. The Oracle had always come through for her when she needed it most. Like a fairy godmother. Or maybe…a friend? No, not a friend because Raina hadn’t forgiven Si or any of the other Oracles for what they’d done to her. To her child.

  Twenty years hadn’t been enough time for Raina to decide how she’d proceed once she’d found her Save. She thought about Leiv daily. Wondered what had happened to him these past two decades. Si had told her he was safe and well, and she’d been relieved to hear it.

  Her reaction to knowing he was well surprised her. It was the first time she realized time truly does heal wounds. It was the damn scars you couldn’t do anything about.

  Raina swayed with the movement of the slowing train. The doors opened but this wasn’t her stop. She’d come to love traveling. Since the time she walked out of her—Leiv’s—house, she’d been a nomad, never settling in one place for too long. Planting roots somewhere meant starting a new life. She wasn’t—hadn’t been—ready to do that.

  For all these years, the search for her Save had given her purpose. She might not know what to do once she’d located him, but finding him was important. Somewhere out there was a boy who needed her. He didn’t know it, but he’d just won the jackpot because she could give him something no human mother could.

  If he wanted it.

  If he’d accept her gift.

  And it was just that, a gift. Over the years she’d come to see what a treasure Leiv had given her. She was stupid for not going willingly. And he was stupid for forcing her. Because when it boils down to it, her choice was her choice. Even if it was a stupid one. Stripping her of it was still unacceptable to her, even twenty years later.

  She wouldn’t do that to her Save. If he wouldn’t take what she offered, she’d have to understand.

  The train slowed again, and she stood, gripping the handle above her. The doors opened and she stepped out onto the platform. She spotted the drinking fountain and went over to do a quick hydrate, then she made her way out to the street.

  The South Side of the city was an interesting mix of decent working class neighborhoods and slums. It varied from block to block. Hopefully her boy didn’t live in one of the dumpy run-down places like the ones she’d just passed.

  She took a deep breath, loving the feeling that pulled her toward her prize. It was warm in the way a fresh baked cherry pie smelled. Or the steam from the hot springs she’d encountered on her travels. Comforting. It was almost physical. Somewhere between a hug and a memory.

  It guided her through the projects and toward a small park. The closer she got, the stronger she felt.

  She stopped at the edge of the block, her eyes searching, searching…

  There he was.

  Raina’s heart swelled to bursting. A small and beautiful little boy with dark, unruly hair bravely climbed the monkey bars. Her hand flew to her chest, hoping to calm the fluttering of her heart. This was what she’d been working for. This connection with this human. A connection that made her feel like she could make the world a better place—or even just his world. Like she could finally let go of the past and forgive. Like all the things that had happened were just stepping stones leading her to this very perfect moment, with this very perfect person.

  Had Leiv felt like this when he’d first met her? Like nothing else mattered but their connection? It didn’t excuse his actions, but maybe she could understand his desperation to keep her. Without a doubt, she’d do anything—almost—for the little boy on the monkey bars.

  Tears clouded her vision, but she looked on as he stretched to reach the first bar and missed. She stifled a grin, realizing he must be feeling the pull.

  The time to take him was now—if he wanted, she’d carry him far away from here and spoil him rotten. She took a step to cross the road, aware that what she was about to do was highly illegal in the human world. But at the same moment, he turned his head toward the couple sitting on the park bench. Raina froze. The woman smiled, and then bent over a stroller with a bottle. The man waved at Raina’s beautiful boy, and he jumped down and ran over to them.

  His family.

  Raina spun, turning her back on them, and gripped her belly. She felt sick. He had a family. Of course he did. And she’d almost ripped him right from it. Si had tried to warn her not to find him before it was time, but Raina hadn’t listened, hadn’t wanted to wait ten more years.

  She groaned. Why couldn’t she learn? The Oracles were always, always right. Things had to be done in their way, in their time.

  Her shoulders sank as she realized she’d have to leave without him. But she’d be back, and then no one would keep them apart.

  Leiv parked his car outside of the dilapidated building that was once known as the Baker house. He’d been on his way to work but couldn’t drive past the neighborhood without stopping. Not today.

  Twenty years ago, on this day, he’d met her. He could remember every detail like it was yesterday. He stared at the doorway where a stout piece of oak used to shut the world out. If he could go back, if he could do things over, he would have chosen to avoid her. He’d had one good year with his Save. After waiting so long, after caring so hard, he was still alone. No tribe. No Raina. No family.

  It would have been better if he’d never had any of it than to have had it for a moment, only to lose it all.

  He got out and stood in front of the car, letting the memories rip him open again. He’d done this a lot in the first years after Raina had left, but eventually he’d stopped. There were too many years left in his life—and not enough water in the day—to hurt so much all the time. Especially when the guilt was still in the forefront of his mind.

  Where was Raina today? He hadn’t heard a word from her in all the years they’d been apart. At first, he hoped she just needed some time to work through things. It had taken him five full years to realize she wasn’t coming back, and that was only because an Oracle visited him. She’d told him Raina was well, but not to expect her back.

  He didn’t follow the command of any Oracle though. Not anymore. So he’d gone on years more, expecting her to return, on the possibility it might spite them. He doubted it worked.

  And they’d been right.

  When his eyes started to burn, he got back in the car and drove to work.

  His day dragged by and since he didn’t want to go home, he took over a night shift too. Being home tonight, marking another year without Raina…his heart couldn’t take it. He needed the distraction of the busy late calls.

  One emergency call was for a woman in labor, he’d helped her as much as he could in the ambulance but she’d phoned too late and by the time they pulled into the emergency bay, she was pushing the baby out. It was a situation he’d been in numerous times throughout the years, and every single time, it took him back to the day Raina birthed their child.

  What he wouldn’t give to have held that baby a minute more so he could’ve memorized the downy softness of his cheek. His bright eyes had felt like another of Grams’ mornings. New and beautiful. He should have spent another few seconds with their child. But he’d been in a hurry to help keep Raina from bleeding out…and then turning her.

  He passed the tired mother and screaming child over to t
he doctors and nurses and went to clock out. He was tired enough now that he’d fall into bed and sleep until his next shift. The perfect way to spend any anniversary.

  On the way home, he couldn’t help wondering once again where she was, what she was doing, whether she was happy. He so hoped she was happy. The thought that she might be actually gave him a measure of relief. He could picture her living a more or less normal life among the humans. Maybe a secretary or something. Maybe a teacher. Perhaps she’d found her Save and was carrying on their tribe without him. It didn’t matter, as long as she was happy.

  Maybe he should ask the Oracles. He sighed. They’d probably laugh at him, or suggest he go find out for himself, just to be cruel. The bastards.

  He took a deep breath, cranked the volume on the tape player, and let Whitesnake sing his theme song. Here I go again…

  Leiv parked, grabbed his workbag, and walked up the curved driveway.

  When he was nearly to the door, a feminine throat cleared. His eyes pulled up. His mind fuzzed. His heart broke, once again.

  Chapter 12

  HIS BAG DROPPED to the ground with a resounding thwack and he went numb, except for where his heart was. It throbbed, wrenching with each thunderous beat. The pain was like a poison traveling up past his throat and pricking his eyes with tears.

  Raina was here. She was really here. After all this time, she’d come back to him.

  The sight of her…she was so lovely. He’d committed every single feature to memory but the real thing, the actual Raina, was a hundred times better than any memory he could conjure. He clenched and unclenched his fists to keep himself from running to her, from scooping her up and crushing her to him. He shook with the effort.

  “Leiv.”

  His name on her lips was too much and a whimper escaped him. He tipped his chin to the sky hoping the tears that threatened to spill would just evaporate. Hope. What a cruel emotion. All it ever got you was let down.

  He could see exactly how he wished it would happen. He would run to her and fall on his knees at her feet. He would wrap his arms around her waist and bury his face in her belly like he’d done so many times when she’d carried their baby. He would beg her forgiveness, grovel like he’d never done before in his life. He’d promise to never hurt her again, and he’d mean it with everything in him. He would tell her how much he missed her, and that every day without her was worse than a never ending water cramp. He would beg her for a new start. Beg her to love him again. Beg her to never leave him again. Beg her to stay forever. Beg her for anything. Beg her for everything. He’d beg without hesitation.

  And she would say, yes. I forgive you. I love you. I’ll never go again.

  “I found him,” she said.

  Leiv’s watery gaze snapped to her.

  “Our child, I found him.”

  Leiv shook his head. “That’s impossible. The Oracles…they…”

  “No. Not him.” He saw the hurt cloud her eyes but then it left just as quickly. “I found the human who belongs to me. My Save.”

  Her Save. Leiv’s mouth fell open and he took a staggering step closer. This must be so hard for her. He wanted to comfort her in some way but there was too much between them. For the bazillionth time, he longed for the days before he’d brutally betrayed her, when his touch didn’t bring her dread.

  “What—” he swallowed the lump in his throat “—what will you do?”

  Raina looked away. “He’s very young. He has a family.” She shook her head. “I can’t take him away from them. Not right now. Not yet.”

  Leiv waited for her to say more. Her voice was the same as he remembered. Soft and lyrical. He took another step and her gaze snapped to him. He didn’t try to hide the emotion on his face.

  “You look different,” she said. “With the beard.”

  He nodded. “You look the same as I remember.”

  Her mouth quirked a notch. “The clothes are different. I’m used to being on the go.”

  “You’re a sight.”

  Her face turned grim.

  “I’ve missed you.” It came out hard and fast, and with too much feeling.

  She glanced away again, seeming nervous. She looked like she was one wrong word away from running. He had to keep her here, and if that meant shutting off his feelings, then he’d do it. Whatever she needed.

  He didn’t know why she was here, but if she left again…he wouldn’t survive it.

  Leiv made his face as stoic as he could, and put all his effort into steadying his breathing before he spoke. “Would you like to come inside?”

  She looked at the door. “Yeah, I think so. For a little while.”

  A little while. The phrase cut him.

  He held the door open while she stepped inside. As she passed by, he could smell her. It was no longer anything close to cinnamon but it was her, as he remembered her, and it caused his chest to burn and his mouth to dry. He pushed past it, determined to not make her uncomfortable.

  Leading her to the kitchen, he said, “Let me get us some water.”

  Raina sat at the table, running her fingers over the polished wood. In twenty years, he’d kept the place updated, but he hadn’t changed anything that didn’t need changing. The table was the same.

  Bringing the water pitcher and two glasses, he sat across from her. He filled one and pushed it in her direction. He watched while she drank and then poured his own.

  “What…” Making small talk wasn’t easy. It had never before been a problem for them. “What have you been doing all these years?” He pushed the words out, hoping they were casual enough.

  Raina’s brow furrowed as she stared at him, searching. “Uh…traveling, mostly. Never really settled anywhere. Honestly, I’ve been a rolling stone. The only thing anchoring me was my search for him. But now I’ve found him and I’m not sure what to do.”

  Leiv bit his cheek.

  She sighed, continuing. “The only thing I know is that he isn’t ready. I can’t take him from his people. Ten years, is what Si said. It will be time in ten years. What do I do until then?”

  He swallowed more water, stalling. Could he really hope that she was here because she wanted to be a tribe again? “You…” God, if he said it and then she ran… “You could stay here. We could prepare for when he’s ready. Fix him a room—”

  Raina’s eyes grew at the mention of a room. “What are you suggesting?”

  There was no going back now. “You don’t have to do any of this on your own. We could do it together. We could be a family again.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t know.”

  “Look,” he said, leaning across the table. “I know there is a lot of hurt between us. I’ve had a very long time to think about it.” His voice cracked and he had to clear his throat before continuing. “I’m not…I’m not asking you to love me again or for us to be a couple. We could do this as friends if that’s what you want. Like you said, he belongs to both of us, and I would really like to be part of his life. I’d like…I know I don’t deserve it, but I’d like a second chance to make things right.”

  Raina dropped her eyes to the table, and all he could do was wait for her answer. After many tense minutes, she rose from her seat.

  “I need to think, okay?”

  He followed her to the front door, panic making his stomach clench so tight he could barely stay upright. She was leaving. Leaving. Again. He’d messed up, said the wrong thing.

  No, no, no.

  She walked through the door and then turned to look at him.

  “Please, don’t go,” he pleaded, crossing his arms so he wouldn’t reach for her.

  Her head tilted to the side and he took note of how her hair curled around the top of her arm. He needed to remember every detail.

  “I’ll be back. I don’t know what I want yet, but I’ll come back.” No, she wouldn’t. He could see it in her eyes. They’d always been so expressive.

  He nodded, aware that his voice would be useless.


  “Goodbye, Leiv.” She turned to walk away.

  No! his mind screamed, but his mouth managed to say, “Bye.”

  He closed the door behind her and turned up the stereo to blasting so he could cry as loudly as he wanted.

  Then, like he had so many times since meeting her, he broke down.

  Raina let out the breath she’d been holding as soon as the door clicked shut. Seeing Leiv again made her feel too many things. It was the most messed up tornado of emotions she’d ever experienced. Relief, anger, sorrow, worry, excitement, all warred within her. There was no way to have known what to expect, but she hadn’t thought she could feel so many opposite things at once.

  The thing that bothered her most was that she still loved him. After all the horrible choices he’d made, she still loved him, hard. It hurt to leave right now, but she also couldn’t stay.

  Music suddenly blared from inside the house. It wasn’t a slow song but the lyrics were sad. About being alone, a wanderer, never finding love. It wasn’t her style. She preferred the likes of Joan Jett or Pat Benatar, but this particular tune got to her. Maybe because she could relate to the mournful lyrics. She stood outside, listening, until it was over, and then took a step to leave. But the song restarted.

  Leiv obviously liked this song too. He wasn’t a wanderer like her, but he’d been alone for a long time. Raina couldn’t remember anything about his life before her. All of that was lost the day she turned and they hadn’t had enough time afterward to get reacquainted. Maybe he’d always been alone.

  The idea pulled at her heart. Loneliness could do crazy things to people. She knew that. There were times that if it hadn’t been for Si, she might’ve fallen into bad choices too. Maybe Leiv’s mistake had been caring too much. Loving her so much that the only thing he feared was losing her. So much that his love turned selfish and he quit caring what was actually best for her. His love went from nurturing to brutal.